Dear Child Welfare Services,
I am writing to inform you that we are loving and caring parents.
We are gentle, kind and loving to our child.
We have never raised a hand and teach our daughter that hitting is bad.
I write this because; well, I am afraid you may be on your way to our
house as I write. If you didn't know the context and heard the screams
emitted from our daughter tonight, you might wonder.
I want you to know you don't need to come.
It's just her toenails. She was starting to look like an Amazonian
from a national geographic magazine picture. We've postponed it for
two weeks already.
We had to cut her toenails.
No amount of reasoning would work. Bargaining was out of the question.
If I looked towards her foot she screamed. Practically
hyperventilating, gasping for air, choking down sobs while
simultaneously giving out a high pitched yelping shriek.
We had to do it. I should have shut the windows, but the muffled
screams might have caused even more alarm.
Please turn your cars around. The swat team is not necessary.
Really, it is a false alarm and she is quietly sleeping in her bed.
To be honest I think the aliens took Stella a week ago and replaced
her with a malfunctioning clone.
I thought it might be growing pains? Maybe a virus? She's just not herself.
They must have crossed some wires somewhere.
She's not sleeping well, not eating or drinking well, extra clingy and
cuddly. (Don't get me wrong, we love holding our daughter but when has
she willingly sat in our laps for extended periods of time?)
She's started adding an extra syllable to yes and no with the added
attitude to go with it. Ye..ah, Ne..ein. I thought I had at least
another 10 years before I would be faced with this type of language.
And her favorite song is Happy Birthday. We have to play it again and
again and again and again and again. I have Happy birthday nightmares
floating through my head. I don't think I'll ever be able to sing the
song again. (do you know a good shrink?)
To top it all off, she's created a fear of flies. FLIES!
Little black things that go buzz. They're annoying yes but they don't
do anything.
Yes one could expect weird phobias from a child. They don't fully
understand our world yet. We think a mosquito landed on her and scared
her once and now all flying buzzing things are freaky.
Maybe it wouldn't be such a big deal if we didn't live in the
COUNTRY. Flies are a way of life.
Dear child welfare services, are we the only ones?
I now fully appreciate how hard your job is. How do you tell the bad
parents from the good ones that have kids abducted by aliens? I
sympathize with your task.
So for the record, you don't have to visit us. We've got an alien
child. We'll care for her as best we can until our normal daughter is
returned to us and we have to deal with the next "phase"
Sincerely, loving parents of Stella Tygielski
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Don't worry, child welfare service was on its way to our house yesterday. I sprayed Spencer down with the shower hose because his butt was full of sand from the sand-box. (Same scream situation.) Now, imagine that you have two alien children. Sidney shares the same 'Fly' phobia. One night, after the boys were in bed, screams came out of the room - a fly was in the room. Hence the SWAT Team (Mom + Dad + 2 extra large fly swatters, spent 15 minutes trying to kill one stupid fly. Spencer sat in his bed, amused. Sidney sat there with Panic in his eyes every time the fly flew by.
ReplyDeleteWe had the toenail phase as well. Bribing them with eggs (chocolate treats - easter eggs)fixed it - maybe you can try next time? When they are sitting in their high-chair the shoes come off, then I ask them if they want eggs - yes - ok but first shnipp, schnipp toe nails. If you think toe nails are bad - wait til hair cuts come.